How to divorce a narcissist or a psychopath
When considering how to divorce a narcissist or a psychopath, you must first understand that these personalities are completely unapproachable.
How to divorce a narcissist or a psychopath
While the psychopath has an extremely limited emotional range, he is an expert at causing emotional and financial destruction. Once you can wrap your mind around the concept that the psychopath has no true emotional investment in the process (other than to win), you can start to carefully play him at his own game. Here is some tried and (firsthand) tested advice to keep your sanity while divorcing the psychopath.
Narcissistic and Psychopathic personalities love control, power and the ability to control others. They are the polar opposites of happy, creative, generous and self-confident individuals. When considering how to divorce a narcissist or a psychopath, you must also consider if their lack of compliance affects your relationship with them. Although there may be some gray areas regarding these issues, it is still advisable to have these discussions up front if at all possible.
1. Don’t react with anger.
When I started to take the steps toward divorcing my ex, I read every article I could find on psychopaths and narcissists. They all said to not engage, to not feed into drama, to let things roll off your back as much as possible, and while I whole heartedly agree with that advice, I will this little tidbit: Once in a while, throw him an ego bone to make him feel he’s in control.
This is what he wants — to feel in control and to revel in your anguish — and so in the name of getting rid of the psychopath as quickly and painlessly as possible, give him what he wants.
You’re dealing with some messed up stuff when you’re dealing with a psychopath, and accordingly, my first tidbit of advice is a bit messed up. I am talking very small-scale gestures.
For example, a text that demonstrates how badly you’re doing without him. Let him think he’s winning, and you’ll gain some ground.
This method worked for me personally as I was dealing with a person who reveled in emotional pain. However, there are certainly situations (if you feel you are in imminent danger, for example) where going full no-contact is absolutely necessary.
2. Document all the small things.
We live in a time where almost all communication is transmitted via text, email, Snapchat, Facebook, and other forms of social media. Take advantage of this and screenshot anything that could prove important in court. If you can show that his words do not match up with his actions or vice versa, screenshot it.
If he blatantly lies, screenshot it. If he threatens you in any way, screenshot it. If he shows unsavory character/behavior, screenshot it. You get the point.
I was armed with 15 pages of printouts that clearly showed pathological lying, emotional/verbal abuse, and physical threats. Luckily, my lawyer never had to present them in court because my ex didn’t show for the final divorce hearing.
Because a psychopath is extremely charming and believable in person (not to mention they thrive on the drama of a courtroom), having these printouts could end up being crucial in showing the judge what your ex-partner really is. Notice I said “showing” instead of “telling.”
The more you can show a lack of empathy/conscience/moral character and the less you use words like “psychopath,” “narcissist,” or “sociopath,” the better. I was frustrated when I received this advice, but I now understand that judges hear these words thrown out by divorcing partners a lot. Sometimes it’s merited, but sometimes it’s not so let the evidence speak for itself.
3. Dont show emotions.
This is similar to “don’t engage,” but it deserves to be elaborated on because it is a crucial component to not only getting through this divorce but also to your future happiness. He will send you dramatic texts. He will provoke you out of nowhere. If he is running low on ego supply, he will push your emotional buttons in the hopes of stirring up some drama. He feeds on drama, rage, and causing you emotional pain. You need to starve him out so that he will move on to another supply.
This goes deeper than just not responding (except, once again, to let him think he’s winning once in a while). This means be boring in all facets of life for the time being. Do not post on social media. Do not fraternize or gossip with mutual friends. Tell your close friends and family also to be boring and not engage him in anyway.
Yes, I know this advice sucks, and it’s not right considering everything he’s already put you through, but you are dealing with a freaking psychopath. He is unpredictable, and he will never react in the way you expect (i.e., the way you expect a normal human being with emotions to react).
During this time period, find your support system of family and close friends and lean on them. Get a lawyer who understands and/or has dealt with these disordered individuals.
4. Stay Calm
Most importantly, breathe in and out and know that you will get through this and you will find happiness, unlike the psychopath who never will.
One of the first considerations in how to divorce a narcissistic personality is what type of relationship they currently enjoy. Is their level of intimacy high? If so why would they choose to “marry” someone who does not share similar intimacy values? It’s important to consider how a narcissistic personality values intimacy before determining how to proceed in this area.
It goes without saying that a person with such characteristics would not be a good match for a woman wanting to remain in a loving, committed relationship. If this is the case why then would they be a good fit for a man wanting to establish an intimate and loving relationship with someone?
5 . They are a bad match
A narcissistic partner is often a “bad match” from the very beginning because they are self-centered, lack empathy and would put their needs before those of their spouse or partner. In these regards, you would likely be best served by moving on to another narcissistic partner.
6 . Did their personality change
Another factor to consider is what, if anything, was done to change this personality. For example, if they were involved in a traumatic event, if they exhibited extreme anger or violence; whether it was towards a spouse or partner, a child; other people; or even animals; consider how these behaviors may impact your marriage.
For example, if they demonstrate extreme anger towards a spouse or partner might not have the best of intentions so the need to change this type of behavior is also needed. On the other hand if they exhibit violence towards a child or another person they need to be re-educated or mentored so that they do not harm another human being through actions taken in anger.
The last factor to consider is personality. This may not always be a factor but it can be a crucial factor in determining whether you or your spouse will be able to withstand the emotional rollercoaster of a divorce.
Consider how these two personalities will function in a shared environment. While each individual is prone to a particular vice, if you share the same environment you have a greater potential for having problems and falling into traps.
This is not to say that each personality is the best one for each partner; but, rather, that if you share a partnership, the personality traits that make each person the best suited for the job will probably be present.
Considering all of these factors when you are thinking about how to divorce a narcissist or a psychopath is important. The first step is to determine if the marriage is actually worth saving.
Then you will want to evaluate how the person has conducted himself or herself throughout their marriage. If the person has been dishonest and spiteful throughout then the marriage may be better off for the narcissistic partner rather than the married couple trying to save the marriage.
7 . Protect your family
Now that you have an idea of how to divorce a narcissist or a psychopath, you must consider how to protect your family from them. There are likely to be criminal records on file about them in all states and their possible future criminal activities.
Be very sure that the person you select to be the legal guardian of your children is trustworthy. It is vital that you trust this person with your children as you are trusting them with your life and all of your property.
One of the most common techniques used in how to divorce a narcissist or a psychopath is to have a private investigator to help you out. They will track them down and expose their secrets. This method often works better than other methods because it is hard to keep up with a secretive person like this.
What happens after you divorce a narcissist?
Narcissists and psychopaths often keep in touch with people they know and interact with frequently, so you might have trouble tracking them down. An investigator that specializes in these types of matters can help you achieve your goal of how to divorce a narcissist or a psychopath quickly.